Only Meant to Help

“The road to Hell is paved with good intentions.”

Originally: "L'enfer est plein de bonnes volontés et désirs." (hell is full of good wishes and desires)

-Bernard of Clairvaux

      Have you noticed how nearly everyone seems to be trying to help someone or improve something? What most people lack is a clear understanding of the entirety of the issues they are trying to address and therefore engage in actions, which tend to be counterproductive and sometimes harmful. While volunteering in a food kitchen to feed the homeless on Thanksgiving is noble and can bring cheer and warmth to people, it will not magically give them stability, work and a permanent home of their own. At the end of the day you will feel great about the good deeds you have done - give yourself a nice congratulatory pat on the back and return to your comfortable abode, while the homeless people will return to their shelters, the streets, and their disenfranchised, forgotten and overlooked lives.

          In New York, one of several ways to really address the homeless issue would mean improving the statewide psychiatric system and its policies of deinstitutionalization. Many of New York's homeless are people who need psychological help (not just turkey and gravy; substance abuse and addiction are by the way real psychological problems and are outlined as such in the Diagnostic Statistical Manual). If enough people raise the issue with their local representatives and state legislature, and/or if enough private funding is appropriated through the proper channels, things can improve.  But, this does not happen. It is easier to give a buck to someone on the street and keep it moving than to do thorough research on the issue to come up with real solutions. "I gave some money to this guy, he got high as hell. Now I'm part of the problem far as I could tell, did I do it for him or do it for myself?" (Jay-Z - Nickles and Dimes)

           History is full of great ideas gone terribly wrong. The French revolution - the birth and bastion of modern democracy, which turned into a a hyper-reactive tyrannical bloodbath and is more famous for the number of heads rolling through the streets from the guillotine than for the virtues of its success. It wasn't until much later and at a much slower pace that a stable representative parliamentary democracy was established in France. Let's not overlook another wonderful social experiment: communism.  Five year plans usually look very good on paper. Man-made famines due to incompetence, hatred and boorish stubbornness leading to mass starvation and cannibalism aren't quite as nice. On a different note, Cuba is still far from recovered from its own glorious revolution. And while 1950's cars look amazing on postcards, they, along with crumbling buildings, have not been very practically useful to the residents of Havana.     

          On a more general everyday level you need not to look hard and far to find some of the worst perpetrators of good intentions gone bad. Well meaning parents and friends are among the most devious culprits of unintentional fiascoes, mishaps and tragedies. Take for instance the overprotective parents. What do they intend to do with their smothering, fear mongering and strict prohibitive rules? They want nothing more than to keep their children away from harm (ALL OF IT...COMPLETELY). What usually tends to happen is either their children grow up socially inept, awkward, insecure, with occasional deep seated psychological problems, and/or they rebel wildly to then spend much of their adulthood piecing their life back together. Clearly not what the parents had intended, nor the best outcome for all parties involved.

         Then there are the parents who baby their children - do everything for them to show the magnitude of their love and to make their kids' lives easier (many times these parents are the same ones as described above). This leaves the poor hapless children (in the form of semi to fully crippled adults) usually overly dependent, with few skills and desires to fend for themselves or to work hard to achieve anything, along with a poor sense of reality. Any minuscule hardship becomes over-burdensome and crippling to them and life's challenges and risks are avoided as much as possible. Finally, let's not overlook the tiger moms (and dads), who want their children to excel and be their best selves so they can get ahead in life. In return, all the pressure leaves the kids anxious, burnt out and feeling that whatever they do is never good enough (The Myth of the Ivy League). Such parents may be thanked for keeping suicide rates in prestigious universities consistently well above the national average. It is hard to imagine that anyone would wish such circumstances on their precious offspring, and they genuinely do not, but these tend to be some of the outcomes in reality.   

           The faulty mechanism in many close knit relationships is a basic lack of understanding of what is really needed. The old and overused idiom of "do onto others as you would have them do unto you" does not always work and needs revision. People are all different with divergent perspectives, personalities, desires and needs. What may make you happy and well may bring misery and problems to someone else. No finer example need be consulted than an episode of Disney's Winnie the Pooh (Winnie the Pooh - Donkey for a Day). In this case all the animals (led by Tiggr) tried to cheer up Eeyore according to their own interests, tastes and understanding because they assumed he was sad, especially when he would sit alone on a hill watching clouds. Their thoughtful methods traumatized and nearly killed the unlucky donkey, who actually was quite content to sit on his hill and marvel at the majestic beauty of the clouds passing by above him during colorful sunsets. Everyone knows the dreadful outcomes which sometimes follow when certain individuals meddle to offer you help, and take care of things for you. After a while you begin to come up with excuses and emergency escape strategies and look for the closest bush to dive into as soon as you see these people approaching. Of course they mean no harm - just trying to be helpful. To which the best reply is - "do me a favor, don't do me no favors, I'll handle mine" (Jay-Z - Thank You).

            Good intentions without proper expertise, testing, planning and tweaking also have disastrous effects on a more global scale. How many times have we seen commercials of dying children with pleas for donations and heard of amazing new development NGOs, with cutting edge ideas, and big funding? In many cases things do not go according to plan and sometimes the intended help does more harm than good. "Money and good intentions are not enough to fight poverty effectively" (Dean Karlan - More Evidence, Less Poverty, Scientific American. Oct, 2015). What is argued correctly by Professor Karlan is that the scope of what is to be accomplished should be simple, concrete and should take into account human behavior to increase efficacy. As the article pointed out, a simple bag of lentils being given out at clinics where immunizations are offered gave enough incentives for people to come in for shots and has increased the number of children being immunized in rural India sixfold. On the other hand when proposed ideas (irrespective of how good they sound) are too broad, not well defined, are scaled up too quickly and are implemented in disparate areas without proper testing and monitoring, a lot of dire consequences and lost money follow suit (Michael Hobbes - Stop Trying to Save the World). 

       Then there is the baby genius approach. "And I can't help the poor if I'm one of them, so I got rich and gave back, to me that's a win, win" (Jay-Z - Moment of Clarity). This is also the Warren Buffett and Bill and Melinda Gates approach, which we love. Before getting into philanthropy they made their fortunes and spent years learning all about the world's disparities and which issues affect the greatest number of people. They spoke extensively to experts and came up with a game plan of what they would like to achieve with their money and efforts. They picked very narrow issues (like malaria and child mortality), teamed up with doctors, scientists and all sorts of real experts to figure out what methods are likely to work best. They then used quantifiable data to test whether or not things were working and discarded or tweaked problematic and inefficient projects. While Bill uses statistical analysis and big data sets, Melinda speaks to people on the ground to ask them what they need. She gets to know the people they are working to help. She likes to gain an understanding of their perspectives and life circumstances. Bill and Melinda then come together and share their findings and ideas, and come to rational conclusions, agreements and decisions after listening to each other. Their methods and efforts have been highly successful (for the most part).

         Getting back to those dying children we pity on television. Yes, their dire circumstances exist. Yes, you can help feed and clothe them with a few cents a day. And, yes this may be a good thing to do. However, we will never end the cycle of poverty this way. Some of the best ways that have been shown to actually make improvements in the long term (not everywhere and not under all circumstances) are to improve agricultural techniques, educate children (especially girls), give women access to proper contraceptives (even if it means they use them secretly without the males' knowledge) and give women in their families control of the purse strings. Evidence suggests that men tend to drink, smoke and gamble away excess (and sometimes not excess) funds, while women tend to be concerned with stretching the money for the benefit of the entire household.

         In the end, the duty that befalls us all is to be aware of the possible implications of our actions and thoughts. We need to stop and think for a bit before making a decision to help someone. Are we really making things better? Is this a problem I am capable of correcting right now and with what I have to offer? Is there a more useful way I can make a real difference? We should be wary of quick and immediate proposed solutions to broad problems. We should not expect there to be fast and easy blanket fix-alls to complex issues. If you want to help start small and simple and before helping others make sure your own house is in order. While it is noble to share with others what little you have, two people ending up in serious financial trouble is worse than one. If you can't swim yourself it is not a good idea to attempt to rescue a person from drowning. "It's much bigger issues in the world, I know, But I first had to take care of the world I know” (Jay-Z, Kingdom Come). For our part, while we would love to improve the world now, we promise before making any attempts to do so we are going to make sure we have the capacity to do it properly.

What's the difference?

"Every child is an artist. The challenge is to remain an artist after you grow up."

-Pablo Picasso

      What do children do different from average adults, which in general makes them more creative? They explore, experiment and certainly do not let ideas of how things ought to be stand in their way. This pretty muchsums up what the most successful and creative people from Da Vinci to Benjamin Franklin to Picasso and Einstein (and the lot of them baby geniuses) have been doing for centuries. It is the combination of a lack of fear for making mistakes along with the ability to discern what is good and what is not, and a good helping of hard work that separates great from average talent.

       My professor and dear friend, Robert Mabro always emphasized that in any profession most people are just ok at what they do; a small percentage are terrible, and a tiny portion are truly superior at their craft. This equation is shaped like a bell curve (standard deviation) - minus the racial genetic implications. We refer to it as the Mabro Talent Curve.The question still remains why are some people better at what they do than others? It seems that the greatest difference between a profound talent and a mediocre one is the ability to comprehend differences in quality. A mediocre talent has the ability to create superior work or achieve great things occasionally. However, when people of mediocre caliber create things which are bad...sometimes very very bad (we all know or met some of these people) they cannot in the least comprehend that it belongs in the trash. A profound talent also produces sub-par work from time to time but has the ability to recognize rubbish for what it is and to discard it rather swiftly. Or as John Cleese put it: "In order to know how good you are at something requires the same exact skills as it does to be good at that thing in the first place (John Cleese on Stupidity).

       To be a great chef you must truly love good food and understand what good food tastes like. You must be able to close your eyes and separate all the different flavors, aromas and textures on your palette and understand why they work so well together. It is having the ability to then say ahh a bit more celery and a few dashes more of paprika will take this stew from the ordinary to the celestial. You must be enthusiastic about the craft itself and all of its minute mundane bits, and appreciate its greatness manifested in other talented individuals. The reason why the likes of Eminem, Jay-Z, Aesop Rock, Ghostface Killah and a few others are really good at what they do is because they really are wordsmiths. They have read and studied dictionaries, consumed language tirelessly (Eminem and Jay-Z) and they constantly come up with their own sophisticated slang or cryptic idioms to express their vivid thoughts (Aesop Rock and Ghostface - please try to decipher Nutmeg on the fly). This honing of skills through hours of practice (building up the mental Rolodex - the mind palace) is what allows the greats to perform at the highest of levels with the greatest of ease. Nobel Prize winner Daniel Kahneman explains this phenomenon in his book Thinking, Fast and Slow. Professionals build up their skills until they become intuitive to a point where a chess master can walk past a match and without breaking stride call white checkmate in 3 (Daniel Kahneman - Explorations of the Mind).  

         A very popular explanation for excellence in performance in recent times has been the 10,000 hour rule. However, we disagree (and so do a lot of experts). Practice on its own makes permanent, not perfect. Successful people do not just practice a lot, they pay attention to their mistakes and tweak their methods to improve. This takes a combination of talent (ability to improve quickly) and discern-ability (understanding what to change). We have come up with a formula to explain success and excellence. It is the average of raw talent and hustle (hard work, persistence, and ability to socialize - network), along with the necessary element of luck.

        Original version of Success Formula

             Tweedles Success Formula

Raw genius level talent in idle hands will always be trumped by decent level talent that hustles hard. The secret of the best is that they do not take their talents for granted but work tirelessly to be the best (Michael Jordan - Maybe You Should Rise).   

          The truly gifted are finally not afraid of failure or setbacks. "Just because something doesn't do what you planned it to do doesn't mean it's useless" (Thomas Edison). Sometimes the best ideas come about by accident. Alexander Fleming noticed something odd about a contaminated petri dish in his bacteria experiment. Instead of just tossing it out, he investigated what was happening and discovered penicillin. From weatherproof rubber for car tires to pacemakers - mistakes have been instrumental in countless discoveries. Many of our best ideas and breakthroughs were certainly unintentional. The creative mind must, however, be receptive to pick up the relevance of these seemingly irrelevant errors and to make something useful out of them. One must operate in the open mode - the inquisitive childlike mode - the whooaaa how did this happen?! mode (John Cleese - On Creativity). (Please note - not all mistakes lead to brilliant outcomes). So go ahead take chances, do not be afraid to make mistakes - you will make them anyway, work until your feet collapse under you, and please do yourself a favor - pay attention to your abilities. Do not be that 40 year old battle DJ making a fool of himself with the same routine from 1992.  

On Thrift

"There are plenty of ways to get ahead. The first is so basic I'm almost embarrassed to say it: spend less than you earn.

-Paul Clitheroe

          Why is it that some people always tend to have a bit of extra money, even in dire times, while others are somehow scrambling for pennies irrespective of how much they earn? "Give 'em money to eat, the next week he's broke" (Jay-Z - Never Change). Once you get beyond the cyclical justifications of all the emergencies, excuses for bottomless lists of absolutely necessary financial burdens that these people claim to have, what it all comes down to is bad habits. Of course, we are not talking about people facing real misfortunes, but those who tend to be careless with their finances. The good news is that like any habit, there is always the possibility for change and improvement. Allowing the virtue of thrift guide your decision making can fairly quickly transform you from a have-not to a have.

           First and foremost, we must accept responsibility for our circumstances, choices and begin to have a healthy relationship with our money. Marie Forleo has a great video of how to do just that here. People who have money tend to know exactly how much they have, how much is coming in, and from where, and precisely how much of their funds are being spent, and on what. Yes, this may be burdensome at first, but it works. More importantly, the simple reason why these people have a lot of money is because they do not spend everything they earn. They save and invest what is left over. Understandably, if you are a single mother of three with a low paying job - the last bit about investing may likely not apply. As a side note, despite what we have been conditioned to think, unless we rob, cheat, or hurt others on our way to fortune, we should never feel guilty about improving our bottom lines. At the end of the day "I don't really care what you call me, just as long as you don't call me broke" (T.I. feat. Eminem - That's All She Wrote).

         What tends to happen is our priorities become skewed, we blur distinctions between our needs and wants, and we resort to immediate gratification. Somehow the more we earn the more we tend to spend and reinforce Parkinson's Second Law (expenditures rise to meet income). A surefire recipe for financial ruin. The most basic microeconomics principle is that everything comes at a cost. If you have $30 dollars and you go out to dinner, the cost of the dinner is not being able to buy the shirt you want. What many of us do is buy the shirt, go to dinner and order extra drinks - all in one day, and naturally, charge it all on a credit card. Then at the end of the month we cry once the statement arrives, if we are courageous enough to open it. There's an easy solution - "if you can't pay for it don't buy it" (Warren Buffett - How to Stay out of Debt video).  

         Thrift really is the key to financial success. You can have much of what you want, but in moderation and you must forego some of the things you want altogether, at least for the time being. "To be without some of the things you want is an indispensable part of happiness" (Bertrand Russell). Hey, we like expensive teas, coffees, chocolate, rum, cigars, fine quality clothes, home decor and to travel well and often. But, we plan, budget and prioritize of how to spend our money so there is enough for everything. "Chains is cool to cop, but more important is lawyer fees." (Jay-Z - Never Change). The Cohiba Comador is an exceptionally fine Cigar, but at close to $30 a piece it makes sense to smoke it once every 4-5 months, while making certain there is enough change left over in the bucket for real emergencies. If you want to go on that amazing trip to Andalucia or Provence, put the Louboutins or Yeezys back on the rack. Simple as that.

        Being thrifty has positive side effects too. Over time you become more goal oriented, your willpower increases, and you can finally pass the marshmallow test. You learn to appreciate the little things in life more because you no longer overindulge. Only in moderation can you truly appreciate something. A cup of Phoenix Dan Cong Oolong Tea becomes a magical experience that you look forward to - not just another cup of afternoon tea.

Too Big for the Shell

"I awoke only to find the rest of the world asleep."

-Leonardo Da Vinci

         There is an inexplicable feeling we get which signifies that things aren't quite right. Something is off, uncomfortable and even suffocating. Things feel like they no longer fit. People feel like they no longer fit. Conversations become forced; awkward. You try doing the things you once enjoyed and find yourself utterly bored - wishing you were elsewhere. If any of this sounds familiar, most likely you are experiencing personal growth.

        While there is great cause to celebrate, a dark side coexists. Growth, at its core, is uncomfortable, painful, often times very lonely, and for the most part one is totally unaware that it is happening, until you have reached the next plateau - the next epoch in one's life. Once you become aware of what is happening, the question then becomes: what are you going to do about it? How many times can you try to force a situation, pretend that everything is alright, before you finally realize it is all a waste of time and drain of energy. At some point the frustration boils over into the "that's it, I'm done" moment. Sadly, that moment is fleeting for many. As emotions simmer down, our "that's it, I'm done" moment turns into the "this is the last time" ritual. One with its own, all too predictable, flow and ebb cycles. It is as if an invisible chain is shackled snug around your neck, which lets you get only so far out the door, then snags sharply and pulls you right back in.

         Why do so many linger for so long in their old skins, while others never release their grip from them altogether? Comfort and fear. Both are very understandable. Fear of the unknown is quite strong indeed. There is always a chance of ending up in a worse situation than the one you are leaving - "straight from the frying pan and into the fire" (Aesop's Fables). In the short run, there is a span of time when it will certainly feel this way. This is the time when insecurities and doubts creep in and play terrible mind games on you. There is also the added emotion of sadness in leaving behind a world that was comfortable; one that brought you much joy and many fond memories. Nostalgia can hold you back and even trap you in a permanent purgatory...neither here nor there. It takes strength and sober reason to wake up from this dream. "I should'a been did it but been in a daze though, I put friends over business end of the day though" (Jay-Z, Lost One)

           A third harrowing culprit also exists in the gauntlet preventing people from realizing their potentials: expectations, desires and insecurities of others - manifested through close relatives, lovers and friends, along with societal traditions/mores. Many allow the dictates of acceptable norms stymie their potential. Can you imagine what the world would have missed if Massimo Bottura did not take it upon himself to reinvent classical Italian cuisine or if Niki Nakayama accepted that Kaiseki was only intended to be carried out by male chefs and did not infuse the tradition with her own unique style? If Eminem accepted that rapping was just for minorities; if Charles Dickens accepted that he should remain in poverty, pasting labels on blacking bottles instead of writing, or if Malala Yousafzai did not fight for the idea that women too deserve a chance at education, the world would have missed a slew of exceptional talent. How much more talent never breaks through to the surface because so many have not dared to dare? How many people know well they have outgrown their surroundings but still choose to remain put? 

          Sure, leaving safe shores for the first time is scary. It feels like you're stranded in the middle of the ocean during a terrible storm, until, like Odysseus or Sinbad the Sailor, you finally wash ashore with the last bit of strength to awaken in the morning with the sun shining gently on your face. But the world will not open up until you finally let go with both hands and leave safe harbor. Granted, certain people will not be happy with your decisions and will not accept who you are now. "Everybody look at you strange, say you changed, like you work that hard to stay the same" (Jay-Z, Most Kingz). No matter what, it is worth spreading your wings forth and leaping. It is instrumental that you climb to your personal summit, irrespective of how lonely it is once you are up there, or how perilous and long the journey may be.

Beneath the Surface

"And give a fuck what type of brand you are. I'm concerned what type of man you are. What your principles and standards are. You understand me ya'll?"

-Mos Def - Sunshine

         Too often we look at people and make blanket statements about them. What is it about one person which signals to us they are good and another one not as much? Most often the benchmark is similarity to ourselves and our ideals. We are quick in being dismissive of anything foreign without taking the time out to see the world through the lens of another person. Yet, the world is never black and white. Not only are there shades of grey, but a whole spectrum of colors. Attending church every Sunday and clinging to Psalms (or following any tradition blindly and ardently), while sending condescending glances at all those less "pious" doesn't make anyone a good person. Neither does marching for vaguely defined "global changes," without thoroughly considering how, why and if these changes can and should be implemented. Going on Yoga retreats, being gluten free, or bathing exclusively with artisanal-vegan-animal-cruelty-free soap, all the while sending those very same condescending vibes towards "ignorant dregs," has little reflection on the inner goodness of people.

         You do not have to agree with somebody to understand their point of view, nor to respect it. A non believer can be brought close to tears of love at a religious ceremony. This has less to do with finally being saved and seeing the light of religion, but more out of a joy for a family, which he considers his own; in seeing how sincere they are in their devotion at a pivotal event in their lives. This same non-believer can pick up gems of wisdom in parts of a pastor's sermon, irrespective of whether or not he agrees with its underlying premise. The crucial ingredient is empathy, which comes about by placing oneself in the position of the other. By taking the time out to understand somebody's background, life experiences and current circumstances it is easier to see why people think and behave the way they do; easier to relate to them and treat them with dignity and respect.

          Education, wealth, intelligence, and social standing are not the same as integrity, honesty and kindness. The two sets do not always go hand in hand. "Human beings are so complex...you can't say that guy is a drug dealer, he's a bad guy. Or, that guy is a lawyer he's good...or, that guy is a preacher and he's great...we've seen preachers do wrong, we've seen drug dealers do good" (Jay-Z, Charlie Rose Interview at the Brooklyn Museum). The same idea was reflected by Alexandre Dumas in the literary classic, The Count of Monte Cristo (if Jay-Z's words are not good enough for you). Edmond Dantes, after being mercilessly betrayed and mistreated by honorable members of society, with all their selfish and jealous sentiments, ironically, found loyalty and camaraderie amongst smugglers. "Tis strange that it should be among such men that we find proofs of friendship and devotion." For us, a rapper, a former drug dealer may have more to teach about life than a dean of a prestigious university, a chief of police, or a spiritual guru. The trick is not to be tricked by the outer appearances of people, but to dig a bit deeper to understand what they really have to offer as human beings.